Session06

Session Six
Wednesday, 31 July

Rohit, Tariq, Aboode, Aboode's friend whose name and character name I totally forgot, Amey (in spirit)

The party resumed their incredibly important and mission-critical journey towards the lizardfolk colony by falling asleep. Realizing the incredible benefits of having a creature that doesn't need rest as a travelling companion, the party decided to let the Warforged keep watch, thinking that everything would be just fine.

Narrator: It would not.

Cutscene: The toad people return from witnessing their king get splattered across the landscape. They release a dwarven prisoner they'd captured a few days ago. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, he kept trying to bite toad dicks off, and they got tired of his shit.

Back to the campsite:

The dwarf (making absolutely no attempt at being stealthy) strolled right past a Warforged who'd forgotten to disable automatic Windows updates and would now be useless for hours. He looked into the first tent, and was disappointed to find an orc whose dick was already bitten off. He woke up the sleeping travellers, and there was a touching reunion as Zed realized that Dickbiter McCockchomp was actually an old army buddy of his.

The party continued their super crucial time sensitive scouting mission by spending an hour or so drawing various phallic symbols on the Warforged, who'd lost connectivity after downloading 98% of his update files and thus needed to start all over again.

After an uneventful stroll, the party spotted a cave entrance, and decided to take a sneaky look inside. They spotted several monstrous reptiles and Ourobouros immediately decided that there were DEMONSTRABLY no lizard folk in sight and so the party should gtfo. After a short whispered debate, the party started to step out, but the reptiles noticed their delicious scent and attacked.

During a brief round of battle, one of the reptiles was eradicated, but just then some lizardfolk conveniently showed up, and demanded an explanation. What followed was one of the worst attempts at bluffing ever attempted, with Ouro managing to seem less believable than a Warforged stuck in a reboot loop.

Eventually the party was given a choice between death and talking to the lizard Queen, and they voted for the one that involved NOT being a part of a reptile's diet.

The Queen said "why the fuck didn't anyone ever roll an insight check on Gellan Primewater you dumb fucks" and everyone shrugged and said "talking about orc dicks or unplugging a warforged gets me impulse points. Exposing Gellan ain't gonna give me no ASI, bitch"

Turns out Gellan was the one trading weapons with the lizardfolk, and had cunningly convinced the HHH to retrieve the shipment that had already been paid for, and would now get to sell it twice.

Anyway the party agreed to earn the Queen's trust by killing a giant crocodile that definitely does not have an ominous name or a dangerous lair or anything. On the way to the happy fun place where the crocodile dwells, the party fought and killed 2 ogres.

Loot: 1 chopped off ogre dick